Just when my life could not get any more interesting with today being my birthday; I figured it was time to share this on BiteTheRoad. So what’s a day in my world like? Well you get asked to do an actual licensed TEDx Talk on being me; big, hairy & gay.
As most of you who read this know, I was one of the lucky 10 people invited to participate in TEDxProvincetown as it held it’s first TEDx Talk series this summer and the full set of speaker links have finally gone live.
And Here It is!
So Why Did I Do It?
26 years ago, I left my life, commuting between Boston and Provincetown for an opportunity to work in San Francisco. I was asked to take part working in progressive sexual adult content mediums addressing often ignored, overlooked, marginalized and underserved communities.
Men like me didn’t fit the gay male archetype; who often struggled to find to a sense of identity with so few role-models to draw from. So what happens? 26 years later I find myself talking about those very same issues to a wider audience! This partners perfectly with the push in my efforts with MentorSFCA.com to support people in makeing the “best fit” choices for themselves and creating what they need when they don’t see it offered.
It is an honor to share my experience as a gay man on body shaming, invisibility, resilience, and lessons learned from a “bigger” perspective with an incredible group of people.
Photo Credit: Karchmer Photo
Photo Credit: Karchmer Photo
Photo Credit: Karchmer Photo
Photo Credit: Karchmer Photo
Photo Credit: Karchmer Photo
Photo Credit: Karchmer Photo
Photo Credit: Karchmer Photo
But I Need Your Help
I am proud to have been able to address body shaming, invisibility and love beyond limits as part of the TEDxProvincetown program to audiences that extended beyond just gay men, including people of all types, ages, genders and orientations.
I want to spread the word spread. I am asking for your help in getting this talk out. Helping me share the message to all audiences. This talk is one of the first licensed TEDx talks that actually addresses body shaming, sex, inclusion, and visibility from a bigger-bodied gay man’s experience. Because of this, it has the potential opportunity to reinforce that desire and love can blossom no matter the body type. The more views the talk gets, the higher it ranks and the better the chances that it gets picked up for wider distribution. I’m asking that you include the link below in any announcement lists, email, newsletters or websites in an attempt to get the widest scope.
How Can You Help?
Simple. Share the video link to your friends. Share it on Facebook, Twitter,e tc. Anywhere you think people will see it. Don’t hold back to only LGBTQ audiences. This is a message for everyone.
Sharing is as easy as 1-2-3:
1. Copy and paste the link below
2. Add some your own thought or comment that you think your followers and friends would get intrigued by and want to watch it.
3. Add a few of the “hashtags” (Those words followeed by a #) to help it show up in searches.
** Don’t forget youtube also allows you to use embedded code as I did above if you prefer to have the video sit and play on your websites too.
As the summer wraps up, the fall is normally one of my favorite times of the year and the Orphans Holiday Party is one of the highlights of the year to share time with friends.
This year, I seemed to get several inquiries asking me about my thoughts on the customs, gestures, and traditions that go along with being a guest. You know, those commonly held, or historically offered niceties that civil society says is “what polite society” dictates as a way to thank a host.
I started this post as I sat on a flight from DC just before Thanksgiving but got sidetracked catching up till now. So I figured I would try to jot out some thoughts as I check my “to be answered” folder of questions.
What is the scoop on “Invitation Protocols”?
Frank, It’s that time of the year when I have started to get invitations to dinners, brunches etc. What do I bring ? Do I need to bring something? Is there a universal set of gestures I should know?— TK
This is a great question and while I wouldn’t say I am the “arbiter of good taste and manners” all the time – I have some opinions on what I believe to be common courtesy and reflect a gesture of appreciation for your host. (For the sake of ease when I write “host(s) it is implied as “host or hostess”).
Mostly it’s about three things:
Appreciating the gestures of being invited
Acknowledging the effort and work that goes into that brunch or party
Common Sense understandingthat tokens & gestures do matter to some, but doing something needs to not derail the host/hostess’s game plan.
This is key – when you are invited to something – your host(s) has taken the forward thought to plan, design and arrange what they hope will be a memorable time. During the days that lead up even to the smallest luncheon or brunch to the largest open house – tension rises and many last minute “fixes” are in full implantation mode.
Ensuring that your host(s) know how much you appreciated the invite, the time you had, and any special moments that the event made for you. These could include photos, gestures, networking or even a memory made is a great way to appreciate the experience.
3 simple gestures to show your appreciation
Ask: If you know you are going to the store the day of the event. Maybe in the morning (or the day before). Call and ask if you can pick anything up that may have been forgotten. But be prepared to get those supplies back to the host early so that they have time to use them as needed. (Hint: even if you don’t need to go to the store, but you have the free time and willingness to help, the offer to do so is huge)
Offer to stay late to clean up; come the “witching hour” when the bulk of the guest have left, most of us that toss the party, push through on adrenalin alone. So come the end, the energy runs out. Nothing says “appreciation” better than “Frank, We are going to stay and help you clean up; what do you need to be done”
Check in after the event; If you aren’t able to attend or have conflicting events, let your host know as soon as possible. then a day after the event, drop the person a call, text or email asking how it went. That lets the host know you valued the invitation and was disappointed at not being able to attend. Who knows you might even get an invite for coffee or dinner to help use up those leftovers.
Look I can say how much I love to throw a party – and I do. But being acknowledged for the effort I put is, while it may not look like it’s important, it is.
Those of us that like to entertain and create these moments, feed off the excitement of the planning and staging something that will be memorable. We often take special care to blend in specialties to make everyone feel good. So hearing someone acknowledge the time and effort that goes into it, or noticing the small personal touches go a long way.
For instance, for me, I take pride in creating a menu that includes dishes and options that encompass vegan, gluten-free, dairy-free needs without them feeling like an aside. I use these as a way to “challenges” me to expand my food thinking and try new dishes that I might not generally eat myself.
In fact, some of the results can be stellar, like the gluten-free orange cardamom granola and spinach stuffing I created for a stuffed turkey one year. That recipe has now become a great alternative to my regular “old school” recipe.
One simple way to show your acknowledgment is to let the host know with a simple gesture says ” you noticed something that made them feel special”. One way to send a small token; this could be something fun, whimsical, or useful and in the theme that the host would enjoy. Feel free to ask for the recipe or the brand and where they found it. We generally love to tell you; once the event is out of the gate. For those of you “less creative types” here are a few ideas that I either send or have enjoyed receiving:
Many of us make notes for the planning of the next event and your comments, feedback, and notes are ways we know what to keep or use again so journals such as this Refillable Travel Diary Notepad ($15.99)
Another way to acknowledge the effort is to share your own specialty ideas. If you have special food issues and knowledge of brands, recipes (or even well-loved book cook) and ideas for substitutions. Those I keep handy for the future. A great way to do this is making use of mail order or online services that stock your preferred “finds”. In some cases, you may even find them on Amazon.com.
Tokens and gestures to show your appreciation with a thank you are long-held traditions. They may changes from time to time, perhaps with an updated look or trend – but the basics remain the same.
If you are invited to a small dinner party, brunch or dinner:
Cut and arranged flowers, potted plants are perfect thank you gestures. But if you really want the host(s) to know you are excited or had a good time, have them delivered the morning of the event so that they have time to place them in a spot instead of having to figure out a frantic fix while trying the deal with the last minute preparations. (Hint: you really want the host to love you? Call a few days before and say you want to send over an arrangement to the table or the fireplace and what colors is the room or theme). Or even better, have something delivered a few days after the event for the host(s) to enjoy a lovely personal note inside.
At the holidays (or any time of the year) if you know the host has a fondness for collecting something; I work hard to custom select something for them. In my case, I have a “story tree” at the holidays where most of the ornaments come from friends & family. So I often get unique ornaments from places I might not have visited as a thank you or clever people found out I keep a “gift” list on Amazon of stuff that I want (and eventually plan to buy but should someone ask – it’s easier to send them to the list)
A few thoughts for those that haven’t got a clue yet:
Resoprocity is equally as important.
Even the most gregarious and “party loving” host, doesn’t always want play host. Offering to have the host over for a dinner to say thank you is perfect. It doesn’t have to be fancy, it’s the fact that you took the time to say thank you and take the night off is what matters. If you don’t cook, then offer to take them to dinner or at minimum, send them a gift certificate to a store with a fun personalized note “saying you are happy to taste any new dishes this inspires“.
Larger events like open houses, parties etc
These are less formal or because of the crowd less likely to need something to be given. But special bottles of wine or alcohol is always a nice touch – but remember to add a personal note – with your name and mention why this beverage is significant. Is it a special year or from a vineyard you love. Is it a hidden wonder etc. I know one of my “go to” gifts this year will be a vodka that has a dedication of funds toward dog adoption. Or try your hand at making something. The last few years I have made and jarred gifts to give to hosts; preserved lemons, pickled vegetables are two that get mentioned a lot. Remember to include the recipe tag and hold long they will keep with them.
What about Potlucks? Or invitations to meals or parties held at a restaurant?
Potlucks play a unique role. If you agree to bring a dish, let the host know early on what you are bringing and ask when do they want it. Nothing puts a host on edge more than during a potluck when someone arrives late with a dish and half the food has already been served. You can always drop your dish offer earlier if you think you will be late.
If you aren’t bringing a dish to a potluck – any of the other ways listed above will work – but letting the host(s) know you would like to offer to help out with clean up is always welcome.
Resturant or venue-based dinner parties: If you are invited to a dinner party held at a restaurant and the host has made it clear that you are guests (i.e. they are covering the costs of the meal) can be tricky. I rarely want to bring in a bottle of something or a gift as I know the hosts then have to figure out a way to get them all home.
So try to find out what the host’s plan is. For a birthday or anniversary held at a beloved resturant or because of the host(s) lack space at home, then it’s likely they may either have a “no gifts” on the invite or will have a place identified to put cards, gifts, and gestures. Just remember to secure your card well so they don’t get separated. I can’t tell you how many times I have ended up with orphan gifts and gift tags after we get them home.
If it is a more casual setting or annual open house type thing, I would lean towards sending your acknowledgment after the event (use any mentioned above – I personally love waking up to breakfast or brunch baskets) and have it delivered to them at home.
When all is said and done
Whatever you send or do, it should be significant to the host, serves as a way to show you care, and how you felt special about being included and appreciate the effort.
You can blend all or any of these ideas into one “thank you”. Gifting the host with that special dietary cookbook you love, with a note inside letting the host know much that it meant including their food sensitivities into the party menu and you are wanting to share this cookbook… etc. Those personal touches are the part I like best.
Over the years I have had several “thank you’s” that stand out as memorable to me:
One was to find a case of small batch, specialty tomato sauce delivered as a thank you from two guests who had been to a dinner party at my home. the brand was a favorite they thought I would enjoy being introduced too.
Another was taken right from the “Martha Steward school of entertaining” when the morning after a rather large party, my doorbell rang and I opened it to find a box with all my favorite breakfast foods; bagels, lox, cream cheese, hard boiled eggs, a loaf of poppyseed bread, jam, ground coffee ready to be made and savored.
Another was a gift certificate good for brunch at a restaurant we had spoken about but that I hadn’t gotten a chance to try yet. Included with a thank you card reminding me of our chat about how much they liked the food and they thought I would as well.
The common theme here is personalizing it, make it memorable and do it timely.
I have left the comments open on this post so that others can share ideas as well…
Kudos to all the response teams of which there were many on the scene till early this am.
And while I’m likely to be a little tired and crabby by the end of the day not having slept and having a hard time breathing with all of the smoke; spending the evening with her and her husband reminded me at least, that we have a bed to sleep in and a home to come back to.
More images from last nights fire are posted here:
One of the recent readers of BiteTheRoad asked me how I managed to always have the right “stuff” at each of the parties they have been at my places. Well it took me a minute to figure out what that meant – then it dawned on me. Similar to my post on “Getting a Party On” – its stuff I do that I don’t think about that they were asking.
So – to respond I have a few tips;
Post xmas table runners and nakins
Think ahead. I am always shopping post holidays for things that I know I will need “next time”. Many folks can barely fathom thinking about a celebration or holiday in the days that follow it – but I find that when I get the deals which allow me to stock pile for future events. For instance – these “themed” runners such as the ones from I find tend to work nice all year round. The sueded tan and the paisley runners were discounted to less than $15.00 each and the set of 4 napkins down to less than $7 at Pottery Barn this week.
Think creative. Just because that “caldron” punch bowl (Mine is from – you guessed it – Pottery Barn) was the hot seller for Ocotober – doesn’t mean it won’t double at another holiday or even in the summer with fruit or flowers in it as a centerpiece or tucked up in front of the empty fireplace.
Oct’s Caldron is Springs flower display
Think Space. If you don’t have a lot of it – then you need to figure out the once place you can store it all. In my case I have a garage and invested in the moisture proof plastic crates for storage
Shop Second Hand. Many of the table covers come from flea market and second hand thrift stores. Especially ones that I use for the tables with food on them as they tend to get the dirtiest and stain. If they have small stains – plan strategically to cover them with food – but even thinner throw blankets or scrapes of fabric work well. Hint:I am also always checking out the “curtain & drape” bins. Single panels make perfect quick table covers.
This almost neutral runner washes well and holds up to heavy use
Be Consistent. If you use it, put it back. When I take something out of my “Party Go Pack” as soon as its clean – it goes back.
Think Duplicates. If you like something for everyday use – and you can get a deal on it – but two. Keep one for casual use and a set in the Party Go Pack box – this even goes for utensils and services trays.
Consider Plastic vs Metal. Disposable isn’t always the best. I find that for some things its easy and cheaper in the long run to go with the real stuff and not go with toss out stuff like silver wear, plates, etc.
oh.. and don’t lend it out – unless you are truly sure that if it doesn’t come back it won’t be missed!